Tobi Has a Question
by Tanuki Bot
Summary: This Question has been buggin Tobi all day, so he has to ask someone! Cracktacular Edit: Not a One Shot anymore! Next chapter up!
1. Where do Babies come from?

Doom: Oneshot! HappyHappyJoyJoy

Ruth: You have like a million Fics in teh making, when are you going to finish them? Hmm?

Doom: ... -Holds up Yaoi HieixKurama hentai pic-

Ruth: -Drools- Awwwaaah!

Doom: -Tosses it in a closet-

Ruth: -Jumps in after-

Doom: -Closes closet door and locks it- Oneshot! I do not own Tobi or anyother Akatsuki member... I only wish I did. -CryCry-

* * *

Key

_'Blah' _is Thoughts

_Blah_ is Exasperation

"Blah," is Talking

(Blah) is My little Tid-Bits

---------- is Scene change

-Blah- is Tobi Talking in Flashback

_**Blah**_ is Black Zetsu

**Blah** is White Zetsu

* * *

It _was_ originally a quiet day in the Akatsuki hide out.

They were suprisingly in the largest, the main hidout.  
Due to the interference in the extraction of Shukaku and the death of Sasori, bless his soul, they had to re-group.  
Deidara now had no partner and Sasori's ring was recovered by none other than Tobi.  
So narturaly, it was only safe to assume that Tobi would be the blonds partner.  
He didn't think so.

"Why do I have to partner up with that dumbass, un?!"

The clay user fumed, slamming his balled fist on the leaders desk, making a hole in it with a resounding crack.The leader, seemingly unfazed by the boys rage, held up a hand to silence him. "Tobi has his ring now, and he has been following Zetsu around for years now, it is only natural for him to finally join in the ranks of the Akatsuki. And I don't want any lip from you." The last part was said in a semi growl, as a glare was sent Deidara's way.

Even though Deidara had enough since to know he wanted him to quit arguing, he still left something out in the air, just to see if the leader would respond. "Ok, ok, I understand that, un. I just want to know why he is so important to the group? I mean, no one has seen him fight, we don't even know what village he comes from, or what his face looks like, un!"

In saying that, Deidara noticed the mood had changed. The Leader now was staring straight at Deidara, and a slow, evil looking grin spread over his shadowed face, "Ah, that is where you are wrong. I have seen his face, seen what he can do, and trust me," His grin got wider still, and his eyes got a manaical twing, "Tobi is very, useful." It was then, that Deidara decided to leave, "Yes, Leader-sama, I understand, I'll go find him and inform him of the partner change." As he walked out of the room, he could feel the leaders eyes on his retreating form, and he shudered. The smile had utterly creeped him out, so he decided to do what calmed him down most.

Blow stuff up.

-------------------------------------------------With Tobi------------------------------------------------->

Tobi was wandering the large, mansion-like hideout, looking for the Leader's office. Ever since his conversation with Hiden, Kakuzu and Zetsu, he had to ask him something. Just then he heard a large explosion, and turned to the combat room to find Deidara. "Deidara-sempai!" He chirped, running over to his supirior, arms flailing slightly. "Can you help me please!" He chirped. Deidara sighed, _'Great, just what I needed_,' he thought grumpaly, '_A spazztic Tobi_.' "What do you want, un?" he mumbled.

Tobi gave an unseen smile, "I was wondering if Deidara-sempai would show me to the Leader's Office! Tobi has a question he needs to ask!" Deidara heaved a great sigh. Even if he said no, Tobi would pester him until he had to say, yes. Then he would have to escort Tobi to the office _and_ have a headache. "Fine, un. Just stay near me, I don't want yo find your sorry lost ass." he mumbled. Tobi gave a curt nod and followed Deidara as they walked to the office.

--------------------------------------With Kisame, Kakuzu, Hiden, and Zetsu--------------------------------------->

"Holy Shit!" Hiden cursed, as he watched Tobi and Deidara enter the Leaders office. "He's acctually going to ask!" Hiden yelped, still laughing a bit, and yet on the brink of tears, as at the same time, as he thought of the consiquences of what they had done. "I thought he was kidding..." Kakuzu replied, walking in the same way as Zetsu and Kisame had moments earlier, "So Did I, Otherwise I wouldn't have told him to go ask the Leader..." Hiden jogged to catch up to the three. "So..." Hiden mumbled, not having much to say.

_**"...We're Fucked aren't we?"**_ Zetsu grumbled.

**"Oh, most definantly."** he replied to himself politly.

-------------------------------------------In The Office------------------------------------------->

As all of the transgressions were going on in the hallway, The Leader had just finished telling Tobi that he would be partnering up with Deidara. In the middle of the conversation, Tobi had gone and gotten some coffee from the small, one room sized machine and gave everyone a cup. Deidara took it and mumbeld a thank you, still not at all pleased with the new team pairings. The leader nodded a thank you and took a sip.

"So, do you understand everything?" Tobi nodded, and set his cup down. Deidara was amazed to find the cup empty. _'How the hell did he drink that without moving his mask out of the way?_' He thought, bewildered. "I do have _one_ question though..." He asked, slightly twiddling his thumbs, and messing with his ring. "Well, now is the time for it, so shoot," The Leader nodded as he and Deidara took a long drink of coffee.

* * *

"Ok... umm... where do babies come from?"

* * *

Coffee went _everywhere_.

Deidara was in a coughing fit as he chocked on the dark liquid, as the Leader thumped himself on the chest to get it to go down his esophagas, rather than his windpipe. And poor little Tobi was covered from head to toe with coffee spew, that dripped from his hair onto his cloak. Kakuzu would have a _fit_, if he knew how much dry-cleaning cost.

After recovering, slightly, and gaining back a bit of composure, the Leader looked at Tobi, "Alright Tobi, where did you get the incentive to ask... such a question?" "Serously! What the hell?!" Deidara yelped as he busied himself with the task of brush off his robes, trying to hide the blush on his face. "Well... you see..." Tobi mumbled slightly.

* * *

About An Hour Earlier

* * *

-It started out when I asked Zetsu a question-

"Hey, Zetsu-sama?" Tobi questioned as he walked with his soon-to-not-be, team mate. _**"What the hell do you want, runt?"**_ **"Yes, Tobi?" **Tobi looked up to the taller man and smiled, "Whats your favorite food?" Zetsu laughed, a calm, pleased laugh, and a barking laughter, both at the same time.**  
"Humans, little one,"** _**"****You already knew that, stupid,"**_ **"Oh, hush, Tobi is a Good boy." **Tobi nodded his head, "I know you like to eat people, Zetsu-sama, but what _kind_? Women, Men, Old...?" he left the question open to his preferance. Zetsu nodded his head, Thinking for a moment, **"Well, I enjoy boys and men,"** _**"Kinda around your age,"**_ Half of Zetsu's face smirked, trying to scare the boy. Tobi stepped back a bit. **"But, Favorite?"** _**"Hmmm..."**_ Zetsu grumbled in thought **_"I gotta say babies top my list, though they are hard to find." _**

Tobi stood there in thought for a moment, he then looked up to Zetsu again and asked, "Zetsu-sama? Where do Babbies come from?" The Giant man-plant blanched on air and gave a suprised look down at the boy, _**"You don't know?" **_He mumbled offhandidly. "Well..." Tobi pondered, putting a finger where the tip of his chin would be, if not for the mask, "I'm assuming I knew once, but after you found me, I don't remember anything from my past." Zetsu Sighed. He did _not_ want to go over the, 'Birds and the Bees' (-Shot-) with his subordinate, so he thought of the next best person. **"Why don't you go ask Hiden?" **"Okay Zetsu-sama!" he chirped as he ran off to find the loudmouthed imortal.

Somehow Zetsu just _knew_ he was going to get a _whole_ lot of hell later on today.

-------------------------------With Hiden--------------------------------->

Lucky little Hiden was with Kisame and Kakuzu. They were all arguing about something trivial when Tobi ran up to them.

"Hey, newbie," Hiden smirked to the panting Tobi. "I _pant_ need to _pant_ ask you _pant_ something," Tobi weakly gasped out, Hand on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "Well Go on, Kid, spit it out," Kakuzu told him, awaiting for the question that needed to be answered by Hiden, of all people. "Okay, Where do babies come from?" He asked, completely serious.

There was a long, semi-awkward pause.

Then the three burst out in laughter. "Babies?" Hiden howled, sliding to the ground, his back to a wall, his scyth clattered to the floor, as he laughed as if what Tobi had said was the most funny thing in the world. Kisame was laughing almost as hard, though he was still standing, doubled over with his hands over his stomach. Kakuzu wasn't really laughing, just chuckling... loudly, with a hand over his mouth. Poor Tobi was confused. Why were they lauhging at him? He was completly serious, unless the making of babies was funny, he didn't see the reason why they were laughing. Kisame, who gained a very small amount of composure, before bursting into laughter again, told him, "Why don't you ask the Leader? I'm sure he'd know!" Tobi nodded happily, "Okay!"

And then he left to find the Leader.

* * *

Present Time

* * *

Deidara and The Leader looked at him like he had just grown another little orange masked head.  
"What? Are you guies going to tell me?" Tobi asked innocently. Deidara blanched, _'Hell no! I don't want to have to explain... _that_ to Tobi!'_ he thought, utterly embaressed for one of the first times in his life.  
The Leader came out of his stupitor and nodded, "Well, it's very simple Tobi," "It is?" Deidara asked, a bit bewildered. "Yes," the Leader sent a pointed look Deidara's way, "It is, you see, when a mother and father love each other very much..." Deidara's face grew red, as he listened to The Leader, The _Leader_, explain how babies were made to his new team mate, as Tobi listened intently. "They call upon 'The Stork Ninja' and he brings them a little boy or girl."

Tobi gasped and turned to The blushing blonde, "Is that true Deidara-sempai?" Deidara's head snapped to attention, and the leader gave him a look that said 'Agree-or-die', "Umm, yup! Thats exatily how it happens, un! Leader-sama nailed it on the head, un!" He nodded furiously. Tobi smiled an unseen smile, though it was herd in his voice, "Thank you Leader-sama! Deidara-Sempai! I'm going to find Zetsu-sama now!" He chirped, getting up and shirking out of his coffee-stained cloak, and headed out the door.

"Oh, Tobi?" The leader called after him. "Yes?" Tobi's head popped back into the room for a moment.

"Could you quickly fetch me those four?"

* * *

Tobi waited for Zetsu outside The Leader's office so he could share his discovery with him. There was a lot of yelling and in the. end, all four of them walked out, Hiden mumbling a few obscenaties about extra house duties, then Kisame, his head bowed, and Kakuzu, his head held high, taking the apparent punishment like a man. Zetsu came out last, and looked at Tobi, **"So..."** _**"Did you figure out what you wanted to know?"**_ Tobi nodded his head, "Yup!" he cirped, as they walked to the large kitchen, "I'm Hungry Zetsu-sama, can we get dinner?"

**_"Sure Runt,"_**

**"Tobi is a good boy"**

Tobi just smiled.

* * *

I can almost bet you all are wondering... where in the world was Itachi and what was he doing during all of this?

* * *

In a dark room, there was a large dresser, rug and bed, nothing more, nothing less. In that bed was a person shaped lump, Itachi Uchiha. He had heard everything that had just gone on, and all he did was lay in the bed and smirk, _'I knew today was a good day to stay in bed,'_ he thought to himself smugly.

Indeed it was Itachi, indeed it was...

* * *

Doom: Good? Bad? Cracktacular?

Ruth: Lemmie out of the closet!

Doom: -Sigh- Read and Review! Tobi is a good boy!


	2. What is Sex?

Bot: Here's another installment of "Tobi Has a Question"!

Ruth: Sweet! This is the one that we both came up with right?

Bot: Mwahahahaha yes it isssss D

Ruth: Yes! -runs in circles-

Bot: o.o Ok, lets get started.

* * *

It was about a month or two after the whole 'Baby' incident and the hideout was pretty much back to normal.

Well, almost.

Deidara was still pissed that Tobi had to be his partner, Zetsu was now a lone ranger, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kisame grimaced almost every time they saw Tobi as they remembered all of the extra chores that were piled on them, Itachi was … well Itachi, and everyone decided to watch what they said around the little orange masked boy from now on.

At least they tried.

There was, however, a few occasions they let a few, not so Tobi friendly words, slip.

This story, my fiction-reading friends, is about one of them.

It was a rainy day; Pein had a cold and was, obviously from the crashing thunder, not happy. Therefore outside was pretty much a giant mud pit. And guess who thought it would be 'Fun' To steal a few things to get his 'Friends' to play in the rain with him?

"TOBI! Give back my clay you little shit, UN!!"

"JASHIN WILL HAVE YOUR FUCKING HEAD YOU GOD DAMN, MOTHER FUCKING, HETHAN SON OF A BITCH!!"

"You drop my money in the mud and you are as good as DEAD, YOU HEAR ME?!"

"Tobi, I don't have time for games, give me back my glasses…"

"Tobi. Give. Me. Back. My. Samehada!"

"This isn't funny Tobi… I WANT MY MULCH BACK OR I'M GONNA EAT YOUR ASS!!"

Pein clenched his eyes shut as he heard the calamity going on outside. "Ugh…" He groaned, taking off a thin layer of Konan's arm and blowing his nose, as Konan herself grimaced.

"Do they have to be so loud?"

She asked quietly as she sighed when Pein took some more paper from her arm to get rid of the mucous-ey build-up in his nose,

"I wish they wouldn't get too loud, it's giving me a worse headache." He mumbled. Of cores, in his state it sounded more or less like,

"I wbsh dey bouldn't get doo loubd, is gibing be a worse headdake."

Back outside, Tobi miraculously continued to dodge their attacks. He slipped quite a bit on the mud, so Kakuzu's threads missed almost one hundred percent of the time. Kisame tried to use the water to his advantage but the dirt and mud made it too heavy for him to control. Zetsu's morphing through matter was useless, as Tobi's movements were more erratic than a sugar high Naruto on crack, so he could not pinpoint where he was supposed to pop up. Itachi was puzzled, and extremely pissed off, as his Sharingan was some how not working on the masked wonder. That frustrated him, and was something he cataloged in his mind to find out later. As for Hidan and Deidara, well Tobi had their weapons, so they could do nothing but merely chase after the boy and shout profanities at him.

Pein, tired of the noise, made the lightning strike right in front of Tobi.

This caused another, sad, at least for the chaseies, chain of events.

The crash of lightning scared the living shit out of the fleeing Nin, and he stopped in his tracks in order to not be hit by the deadly strike. He did not count on the mud though. Said mud caused him to slip, flinging the other's precious belongings into the air, and fall to his back. Kakuzu easily stopped and grabbed his money with his threads, but when he stopped, Hidan crashed into his back, as did Deidara and Zetsu, causing them all to fall into the mud pit on top of the poor Tobi. Surprisingly, Itachi, without his glasses and all, managed to stop before he hit the 'train wreck'. Unfortunately for the Uchiha, luck was not on his side, as Kisame barreled into his back, adding two more to the mud and people soup.

Content with the newfound silence, Pein cuddled into the comforter and got some well-deserved sleep, and Konan left the room quietly, shutting off the light and shutting the door.

The pile of people, sharks, plants and immortals groaned, all getting their respective items and off the crushed mystery Nin. Said mystery Nin was brown with mud and his mask was lying in the mud, cracked. Sadly, no one got a look at his face, as it was covered in a thing, gritty mud.

"Wasn't that fun?" Tobi asked happily. "Yea…. fun…." Zetsu, both black and white mumbled. Truly, to them, it was fun. They had gotten their soil and water nutrients for the day in a way that they normally didn't.

The others, however, did not think so.

"I'm covered in mud, and you've got MY clay, all in THIS MUD UN!!" Deidara snapped, before stomping into the hideout to clean off.

All Hidan did was grumble about, 'Dead masked fuckers.' and went to clean his Scythe and himself.

Kakuzu just sighed, "I need to get laid." he mumbled as he went inside for a shower.

"Sex sounds so good right about now," Kisame groaned, following the stitched man.

Itachi just nodded and followed to the large, dorm type bathroom.

Tobi was puzzled, and his face showed it. Zetsu wasn't amazed, or astounded by seeing Tobi's face however, he had been the one to find him. Of course, the plant man knew what Tobi looked like. "Zetsu-sama?" Both sides grimaced, his mind flinging images of Tobi asking him… that question. "What is it Tobi-Chan?" "The fuck do you want?"

"What is, 'Sex'?"

Zetsu did nothing. Then he just materialized into the ground. "Go ask Leader-Sama." Then he was gone. Was it the right course of action? Fuck no, but since the leader had handled it so well last time, he figured he would again. Right?

* * *

The filthy boy stood outside the leader's room, wondering if it was all right to knock. He was sick, right? Should he be asking the leader of the Akatsuki questions right now?

"No."

He jumped sky high as Konan magically appeared by him and answered his unasked question. "No one is able to ask the leader anything right now, he just got to sleep." In his haste, all Tobi could find to cover his face was a masquerade type mask, with one eyehole. It was feathery, sparkly, and orange. He opened his mouth to ask her the question, and yet again, she answered it for him, "And no, I will not answer your question, go ask Deidara, if he questions it, tell him it was on MY order." Scared, Tobi nodded, and fled to find his Sempai.

* * *

Deidara shut his room door, toiletries in hand, as he walked to the showers, only to be tackled by a muddy Tobi. "Sempai!" Deidara pounded him on the head and stood picking up his bath things, "What the hell do you want, un?" He grumbled. Tobi smiled, some how going to his room and getting his shampoo and such in the time it took Deidara to stand. How the masked boy did it, Deidara would never know.

"Sempai, what's 'Sex'?"

The abused cleaning objects went to the floor, again, and Deidara turned beet red. 'Why the fuck am I one of the ones that he has to ask?!' he thought franticly.

The befuddled man was not good with these types of questions and in an attempt to hide his embarrassment; he bent down to pick up his things.

"S-sex," he stuttered his hand landing on a bottle, "Is when you bathe with this!" he yelped, lifting up the bottle in his grasp. "Axe?" Tobi asked. Indeed, the bottle Deidara held was that of the Axe body wash variety. "Yup!" he snipped, hoping Tobi would stop talking, "That's what sex is, un!" Tobi nodded, a grin on his face, as he followed his Sempai to the large bathroom, and Deidara was convinced that the boy had dropped the subject.

Wrong.

* * *

The Bathhouse of sorts was large and had ten showerheads and curtains, sort of like the ones you would find at a YMCA. Each curtain was different, and they showed whose shower it was. One had small mushroom cloud explosions on it, one had a beautiful jungles cape, one had Jashin pendants on it, one had the Uchiha crest on it, one had fish, one had paper cranes, one was just orange with spirals on it, one whales on it, one had the Japanese yen sign on it, and one was black with the Akatsuki cloud insignia printed on it.

A few showers were already on, Kisame's, Itachi's, Hidan's and Kakuzu's to be exact. Konan would always wait for the males to be done, that take a shower, and Zetsu didn't feel as though he needed one. Deidara slipped into his shower, and turned on the steaming hot water, letting it slide down and calm his naked body before he got his shampoo and lathered it on his head, making sure to keep his hands mouth's shut. Everyone could hear Tobi's humming to himself, but since it was there every time they took a shower, it sort of gave them a sense of normality, and calmness. The next thing they heard didn't.

"Tobi is having SEX!"

A loud, 'Thunk!' and then a 'Crack!' came next.

Startled from the random, and rather disturbing outburst, Kisame faltered and bashed his forehead on the showerhead, and made it snap off the wall. Now, in a normal house, they could just shut it off, right? Well, in order to help the large man and his extremely tight muscles, his water pressure was turned on extremely high. High enough to blast Kisame in the face with hot water, causing him to fall. The water went through the divider behind him, hitting Hidan, causing him to curse like the sailor he was.

Both came out of their showers, towels around their waists, to join Deidara, Itachi, and Kakuzu to see what was going on. Tobi was oblivious, however, and continued with his shower. "The hell was that, un?!" Water from Kisame's shower began to slowly, but surely, rise from the floor, enough to cover their feet. Deidara, intrigued, simply pulled back Tobi's shower curtain. Tobi yelped, and turned from them, covered his face and shouted, "Why are you all looking at Tobi?!" Deidara was horrified. What did he see at the bottom of the shower?

A bottle of Axe.

* * *

A little girl was screaming for her life, the large plant man about to ingest her whole.

But Zetsu had somehow heard Tobi's outburst.

And he was outraged.

Dropping the small child, who scampered off, free to live another day, Zetsu immediately morphed into the bathroom in front of the boy, startling all who where in it. Zetsu looked to Tobi, who was unscathed, but shaking and scared from the intrusion. Zetsu let out an animalistic growl and turned forebodingly to Deidara, the water up to their ankles, "You've scarred him…." "I'M GONNA EAT YOU ALIVE!" Deidara shrieked and fled, and Zetsu followed, hot on his heels.

Tobi had ran to his room, Kakuzu had bitched about the broken showerhead, and Itachi Hidan and Kisame left the bathroom massacre. The chase lasted quite a while, and abruptly ended when a shout of 'Katsu!' was heard, but not for the reason you'd think. Because there was another shout right after him, that really ended it.

Pein actually smiled as he saw the blue sky from the outside of the base. He stood in the doorframe, looking over the muddy yard and water dripping trees. Apparently a nap was all he needed to be back in his tip top condition. Konan had reported the commotion, and Deidara had gotten what he had deserved in his opinion. "Alls well that ends well!" He said surprisingly cheerfully. Alas, it didn't last. Konan walked behind him, about to just enjoy the view with him, then they both heard the shout of Deidara's explosive Jutsu detonation. The only thing was, they didn't feel a rumble, or explosion behind them.

The mud puddle that Pein was looking at began to bubble, then it erupted like a Geyser.

Konan blinked, "P-pein-sama?" She questioned. His back looked fine, but when he turned to her, his entire front was covered in near scalding mud. The Blue haired missing Nin wisely stepped backward as Pein's hands clenched into fists and his shoulders shook with rage. Do you know what comes next?

"DEIDARA!!"

"Fuck, un."

End

* * *

Bot: Oh that was so much fun to write :D

Ruth: -Laughing- Oh dear god that was awesome.

Bot: You think? Should I make another chapter?

Ruth: Oh hells yes!

Bot: Alrighty then! Next chapter will be up… when I feel like it! -bricked-


End file.
